i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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