I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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