forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
