My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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