I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
