I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
