Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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