Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
