first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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