Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
