Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
