Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
