I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
