Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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