My nipple is on Facebook.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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