I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
