oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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