If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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