my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
