I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
