i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
