I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
