He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
