he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
