My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
