I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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