I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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