Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
