Having a random hookup so left but love u
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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