Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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