If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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