remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
