At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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