I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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