4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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