people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
