I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
