my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
