True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
