dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
