Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
