Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
