Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
