Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
