My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
