my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
