I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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