Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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