plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.