I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
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checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
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Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.