I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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