Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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