i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
