she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
