I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
farters have to be the big spoon...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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