dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
