Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
