I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
