I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
