The maid of honor just puked.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
