First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
