just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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