she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
